Novell (August-September 2009)
After the wedding
There is a longing. One that tickles your stomach, which leaps out of his fingers. She recognizes it. Therefore, she must count the teabags, to correct the cushions of the sofa and wipe the kitchen table again. Elin goes around and around in each room, searching for something she can put the tanks on. She should not feel as she does. She should be angry and muttering to herself until he step through the door. There will be a burden to her. But it is not. A quick glance at the clock. Just two minutes since the last time. She must take it easy now, just breathe, relax. There is a doorbell that rings. Elin goes out into the hall, put his hand on the doorknob. Take a deep breath and decide. When she opens the door he stands there. In his face where the smile. He puts his arms around her. Speaking with her, but she can not hear what he says. Only his thick jacket fabric against her ear.
She ordered food for the wedding. Lamb fillet with morel sauce. Asparagus and ricotta cheese. She bought linen in exactly the right shade. Jogged the length of the round for weeks to lose that last kilo. The dress took months for the seamstress to get ready, now hangs in the closet and wait. Yesterday she tried it together with the earrings for the first time. Andrew came in and threw her arms around her. He said Elin you are so beautiful and then he kissed her on the cheek. Just then I felt as if she had chosen the right. What would otherwise tend to weigh on her like blown away, she fills all the valleys. Cover them with soft grass. She sent out the invitations in time. Some said yes, so that it should be. Most people phoned and congratulated, said that she deserved everything she wished for. But unfortunately, they sighed. It was so far to go. If they wanted to have the wedding in his hometown would have been a different story. Money and time it was nothing that they wasted. Not on her. She hung up the phone before they say goodbye.
She had met Andrew two years ago shortly after she moved here. It was through the church. He helped to organize lotteries and sometimes played the piano during church services. Every Thursday at eight, when the choir stopped practicing he was waiting for her outside entrance. He was handsome and funny. He laughed out loud if he wanted, with his mouth open so that you could see the teeth farthest back. He did not care if anyone heard. They had met in a few weeks when he kissed her. She had wanted to get closer, to know him just around the bare skin. Breathing hard into his mouth and feel him explode. But Andrew wanted to wait. Where other people drank themselves redlösa he wanted to be the only sober. He wanted to save himself and his body. He called it morality,'s power over the flesh. A last stand against humanity. She did not understand but she respected it, as always. A year later he proposed marriage to her. He bought roses, got down on knee and the whole konkarongen. Elin looked into those kind eyes. Just wanted to hear him say the words.
long time she sat with invitation in hand. The Mats. A year ago she saw him last, and only his back in a crowd. But still, she had been looking for a few seconds, among the faces as if she had actually wanted to see him. She tried to understand what it meant. What would happen if she sent it to him. They thought she forgot, put the lid on, forced out of his head would come back. Only if she had them. So she wrote where his family name and his address as clearly as she could. On the way to the mailbox threw her card in the trash. Three days later he called. She thought it was her mother when she promised to call but forgot. She cheerfully replied, and waited for the mother's voice, but instead she heard his hesitant, slow. He had seen the ad in the newspaper and wanted to congratulate. A few seconds she stood and did not know what she would say. She held the phone so hard against your ear that she felt the pulse pounding behind the skull. It was not that she thought about it before she asked him, and seconds later she regretted it. And the enthusiasm in his voice when he said yes, made her nauseous. What did you say that the street name? and I wondered just what you did today and It was so long since we talked and I wish it was me you wanted . But she heard no.
Mats rises over the threshold, into the house.
- You look different, "she says.
- Do you?
- Yes.
- You too. I would not say earlier, but more adult.
- I will remember next time I get to show ID.
He smiles.
- Where's your husband then?
- He is not my husband yet, "she says.
- Where is he that is not your husband do?
- At the store. He'll be right.
He hangs his jacket off. Together they enter the kitchen.
- Do you want tea or coffee?
- I do like tea.
She turns towards the fridge, takes out milk carton.
- Do you have any milk, I take it also.
- Did you or did you train?
- I took the car. Four hours without stopping, if you do not count the twenty minutes I drove down the wrong road. I was slipping in Oslo.
She handed him the cup and he sets it in front of him. Then she sits down opposite him.
- You have done something with your hair, "he says.
- I've dyed it. For the wedding.
- It's nice. But I felt better on the red.
In her head, she made a list of things to talk about. Now she can not bring himself to mention even one. It is something that is different. The low, slow voice is still there, but it is as if what he says actually means something this time. Carefully, he chooses his words for him if anyone knows how far they can push a man.
- How to tell if your man is not your man, "he says.
- What should I tell?
- Anything.
- His name is Andrew, he works in insurance. He is twenty-three.
- Do you love him?
She looks at him.
- I will marry him, "she says.
- There is no guarantee.
- How's Helen, by the way?
- She's fine.
- And the kids?
- Anna move soon, she will start school after graduation. Philip struggles with school. If he could decide he would not go there at all.
She hears the door open and Andreas footsteps in the hall. His face appears in the doorway and he walks towards her and kisses her on the cheek. Only then he noticed the man sitting there.
- Hey, you have to be measured?
Mats nods and shakes his outstretched hand.
- Andreas.
- Nice to meet you.
- You work as a pastor, right?
- How do you know?
- Elin told a bit about you, "says Andrew.
- Oh. Well, I'm a pastor. Or was, rather. I stopped for a few months ago.
- Why?
She says it more emphatically than she meant, and he looks at her. But it is impossible to know what he thinks. Not a line, not a gesture gossip.
- There are other people who are better suited to the profession.
- But you have always been a pastor, "she says.
- Yes, but sometimes you have to innovate.
He drinks in deep gulps. The dark hair has become more gray. Still, it attracts at the temples. She looks at his hands, looking for the gold ring he always used to wear. But his fingers are bare. Slender, delicate.
- How long are you staying? asks Andrew.
- I go home after the wedding.
- So soon?
- I have work and family waiting at home.
- You're welcome to sleep here, there is always room for Elin's friends. We have a room next to the living room as ...
- I do not think Mats would be in the way, "she says.
His lips that jerk, he presses them together tightly.
- The is ok. I have a hotel room, "he says.
He says goodbye and gives her an awkward hug. Shaking Andreas hand and wish them both good luck. Only when she sees the tail lights of the car disappear off she goes into the apartment. She closes the door to the bathroom behind him and locks. And what is so heavily in her, that she can bear no longer escape. She had forgotten how he smells. How his eyes light up. She ties her fists and holds them against his mouth. Andreas may not hear, do not know. If he never asks she does not respond. This is the moment she fails, the only one she allows herself. But it must come out. She must feel it leave the body. He is her headaches, her stomach pain. She must hide it away now because otherwise it can be seen on her when she laughs. It turns your face. She sits on the faucet, wash off the mascara under my eyes and dry with towel. Then she goes into the kitchen.
Pastor Lööf was already old when he began his service. When she went and confirmed himself, he never remembered her name but she was called "you" throughout the years. It was no wonder he died. He would put up a lamp on the top floor when the stool gave way and he fell down the stairs. Thirteen steps marble. She was sixteen when Mats was the service. One day he stood outside her door in the wind with his black coat flapping around his legs. It was her father he came to talk to. Something about the plumbing and the root system and drainage and other important things that could not wait. She said he was not home but that he could come anytime. So he stepped in, sat on their couch. He asked for her name and she replied. It was the first time they spoke to each other. He came from Skåne, but the accent was barely audible. The tanned face shone white smile. When he laughed it sounded like a foghorn that has broken down, but it infected. It made her happy. She liked him.
When summer vacation came Mats asked if she wanted to work in the church a few weeks. The basement was full of the old junk and he needed help to clear it out. She said yes. Mostly to see him. Stand close to him. She did not want to admit it to herself, she was content to have a look. Every day after they were finished, he offered a coffee. Tea with milk and chocolate bars. He always sat next to her even though there were other vacant seats. His eyes were blue. IbIand he told scania but mostly he sat and just looked at her without saying anything. When she asked him why he did what he did not respond. So she talked instead. And he listened, nodded, agreed. Once he took her hand in his and it was like she could no longer say everything she thought of him. It has popped up in her head and did not find any way out. When she was alone in her bed and could not sleep she thought of those hands. How they would feel.
On his desk was a photo of a woman and three children. She knew it was his family. He never spoke of them and when she asked, he replied briefly. Every day after school he waited for her and followed her home. He stood among the trees so that he would not be visible. He drove her wherever she wanted when she wanted. In the middle of the night she called and he came and picked her up. She said she wanted to swim and he drove to the little lake on the outskirts of the village. She went into the water with clothes on, high on insomnia and that other stuff. That has swelled in her, which made her warm and smooth. He stood on the shore and laughed, threw her arms around her as she came up and rubbed her skin with his hands. But she froze not. Before him, she took off her clothes. Just thought that now she has gone too far. He would ask her to get dressed and get in the car. He would drive her home and the next day would all be back to normal. But he said nothing. She remembers his hard, angular body under the soft skin, his weight pushing her down into the ground. Spruce needles got tangled in her hair when she crawled around under him, earth in her face, it covered every inch of her body. But when she thinks back, it is not what she remembers. It is his mouth. How his voice chafed when he pushed, pushed into. And afterwards, how the last dry tinder of her tingled and burned. She still burning.
She had been and looked at the church two months before the wedding. She chose it because it was romantic. Like a rotten tooth stood alone among the paddocks and neighing horses, free from all forced modernity. She stops on the gravel outside. Looking up at the gate. It is half past six in the morning and the sun has begun to creep over the horizon like a child taking its first wobbly steps. Although it is still summer, the air is cold. As the smoke rises from her mouth. She enters. The priest stands in the choir, he still has his usual clothes. Elin feel the soft carpet under her feet as she walks. It drowns out every little step. Her pounding heart behind the thorax, it strikes the heaviest battles. It could be any morning at any time. But not she been waiting for. Through the high windows lit the carpet in the morning of the floor of Jesus hanging on the cross. She stops and looks at him. His face was one big grimace. This is where I will stand, she thinks. During his naked body, they promise each other eternal fidelity. In his blood, she is wearing her white dress. During his agony, they make a toast to his new life. They wonder why he does not share their happiness.
Her mother has put flowers in every window. Elin is behind the curtain. As a face is a flower in her hand. Smile at her in all the yellow. So soft is the small leaves, she wipes them with her fingers. She looks through the window on the tail of people who winds from the gate and out over the gravel path. Their bright clothes in contrast to the wet gravel, the dark sky. And they draw cloaks around them. She does not want to see them. Do not listen to their congratulations, do not feel their hugs. As a statue, she must stand completely still for the dress is too tight knot in the chest. It spans when she breathes. Not even when she hears steps behind her, she turns on.
- It's bad luck to see bride before the wedding, "she says.
- Only for those who are getting married.
Mats puts her hands over her shoulders. She knows how to shake.
- Say you are happy for me sake.
- I'm happy for you, "he says.
- You're lying.
- It does not matter. You can not do anything about anyway.
- I love him.
- Why are you here then?
She could feel the heat from his tummy to his back. As if no time has passed he leans against her. When she moved, she left everything behind and never turned on. For each type of tåghjulen lost everything that ever said about her. One by one the words tumbled from her. As mirages in the sand faded they look. And he was left without a scratch, with gleaming white robes. She wants to remember it now. Entice forward it, do it as images in his head. But there is only the thick smoke.
- You're right, "he says. I have lied to you. Helena and I'm going to separate us. Anna does not want to meet me. When I call and talk to her, she puts on the handset.
- And as usual it's not your fault, right?
- Please, do not be mad at me.
- Why did you come here?
- Because you asked me. Because I wanted to meet you.
And he is so close now. She takes hold of the windowsill, remembers that she has to breathe in the heavy dress. She thinks about the makeup, the hair. For the people waiting down there. At Andreas viewing again at the clock and counting minutes until she stands by his side.
She would ask him to go. Just turn around and show him the door. It would be so easy. But he comes with fire. It follows him in his step. The round fingertips over her skin and her heart is deceptive, it sounds easy to be fooled. Because of course she remembers. The head remember, my stomach remembers every little stone she was carrying. The skin of the sharp eyes of the subject. Only heart forget and forgive everything.
- I waited so long for you.
It will not look like the high, crisp Meeting in her head. More like a whisper, as if she was speaking for himself. She would like to scream until it runs out, until the fabric defects. But it is something that sits in the road.
- I know, "he says. Forgive me.
She wants to let the days go and be bland without him. See the children she will give birth, they no curls at all. See all the heavy clouds that will pass during their lifetime, but the roof is a lightning rod so she need not worry as she does. Still, she'll go out on the patio. For it is said that the blood boil in his veins and the meat is bursting from the heat. When her body matured and she is not longer recognizes her own face in the mirror, she wants to think about him. When Andrew is sleeping with her sweet head on the pillow, she is awake and remember the outlines of his hands over her neck.
Now ring the bells. The white plates are still empty at the decorated tables. The roses are set in their vases. And a flower is dead in her hand. She is one step outside the door. It opened and she knows it is her mother standing there before she said anything.
- Elin, is due.
She turns around. The white shirt against his tanned skin. Tie around his slender neck. He has not a stain.
- I must go now, "says she said.
Now the sun shines for the first time all day. Her mother helps her to the trailer and she lifts the veil over her face. When the organ starts to play, she goes in and she bites down hard on the teeth stop chattering. The music fills her from the toes to the hairs on his head and though the sun warms her shudder. She goes in and where they sit. Their faces are round, small nest boxes in a row in the pews. At the front of the altar stands Andreas. He stretches out his hand and she takes it, closes his fingers around it. Now it will be quiet. So quiet that she can hear the coughs and clears throat are, the little squeak from infants. His own breath against the veil. She looks over the crowd gathered for her sake. For him when he goes unnoticed along side a time. He stays in the shade.
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